In my eyes I'm the worst, but in his eyes I’m the best

In honor of Jason turning 4 last month.

“Do you have a lot to do right now?” is the question I get from Jason every night at bedtime.  He asks me this because he wants me to tuck him in and stay there cuddling until he falls asleep.  Of course, this is very untimely because, as any mother knows, THAT IS the time to get stuff done. Stuff like wash the dishes, fold the laundry, sweep, mop, shower, relax and basically anything that needs no interruption. 

So I’ll say to Jason “I have to fold laundry but as soon as I’m done I will come and check on you. Ok?”, and he’ll responded with a very disappointed “ok” I follow through though. I do check on him afterwards but he is always asleep when I get there. AND when that happens, I feel as though I have let him down – that is the worst feeling.  Mom-guilt.    So then I lay in bed contemplating how I can do better as a mom and give my children all they need from me. I think of what I did wrong, and what I could improve.  There I lay - thinking and thinking… until I finally I fall asleep. So then, I go to sleep with mom guilt.

The funny thing is – in the morning when I wake Jason, he is just so happy to see me.  He sees me as though I have done nothing wrong, and all the mom guilt goes away.  My son just loves me and he is blind to all my failures. In my eyes I'm the worst, but in his eyes I’m the best!   

Isn’t that just the most accurate representation of who Jesus is? Like Lamentations 3:22-23 says “Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” We fail God daily, and yet His mercies are new every morning.

That being said, sometimes I do indulge Jason (and myself) and I’ll just snuggle with him until he falls asleep.  Sometimes I even let him snuggle with me in my bed… especially when he walks through the bedroom door with sleepy eyes. After all- he is my baby. 

Story Time

I love it when the boys play together, and they use their imagination.  The other day I was watching my boys build forts. One of the forts was a store and the other fort was a house that apparently needed to be filled with lots of material things.  It was quite entertaining to watch and I started to reminisce about my childhood.  To be quite honest, I don’t remember much from my childhood.  It all seems like a blur to me, but I do remember a few stories. So in honor of my birthday week, I’ve decided to share a memory with you. It goes as follow: 

When I was about 7 years old, my sister and I decided that we were going to into business together. We decided that we were going to become partners in the book selling business.  I’m not even certain where the idea came from; all I know is that at the time, it was a grand idea!

We had a lot of books.  A whole bin full, actually. Apparently we were quite the readers or at least “picture lookers” at that age.  I believe that these were purchased as “previously loved” books and I’m certain that they were purchased in better condition than they were in.   I mean, the books had run through 4 sets of little girl’s hands.

So we made a plan.  We would pack some books, get on our bikes, and sell them door to door.  I was going to go to one side of our neighborhood and she would go the other side.  So we piled our “best” books and each took a stack. We put them on our bikes and went our separate ways. I placed the books in the basket that was at the front of my bike.  I remember feeling nervous, but determined.  I did not want to disappoint myself and my sister.

After I had rehearsed what I was going to say, I took a deep breath, and got on my bike and rode it down the sidewalk.  We lived in a neighborhood of town houses, so I didn’t want to go too far because I would get in trouble. I rode up to the very last house on our row of townhouses, and parked my bike as close to the front door as I could.  A little hesitation presented itself, quickly followed by a rush of bravery. I walked up to that door and knocked.  I immediately regretted it, but there was no turning back now. 

This lady opened the door, and said “yes?”

I responded with “Hi my name is Cindy, and I live down the street. My sister and I are selling books, would you like to buy one for your kids or something?” I gave her the price.  I don’t remember what the price was but I’m pretty sure it was something like 1 for $5 or 3 for $10.

“What kind of books?” I handed her some books. She looked at them and said “Not right now”, and slammed the door in my face.  (Not really. I’m sure she was nice, but that’s the way it felt at the time)

I went back to my bike, looked at my books, and whispered to myself “it’s ok; the next person will buy one”.   *I must’ve really thought my books were special*

I rang the doorbell on the house next door, and this lady just rejected my offer through the screen door - didn’t even open the door or look at the books.

At this point I started to feel a little discouraged, but I thought I would try one more time. I rode up to the next house, and I rang the doorbell. I waited a bit, but there was no answer.  I climbed back on my bike and as I was riding up to the next house, I decided to keep going straight to my house. I unpacked my books, and decided that I was done with the partnership.  I waited for my sister to return, and she never did.  I found her playing outside with her friends.  She told me she had not sold any books, either.

I felt embarrassed and vowed never to do anything like that ever again.

I did though. In seventh grade I went door to door selling chocolate covered almonds.  That’s a success story that I will tell in another story time.

YEEEAAARRRSSS later I brought this up to my sister, as we were discussing our childhood, ONLY TO FIND OUT she had never even gone out to sell any books. She has just gone out to play with her friends. Go figure. 

Me - Big Sis

Even so, there is a lesson is this real life story.  The lessons: ONE, make sure your partnership is legit; and TWO don’t let life’s past failures define your future. 

K bye.

A Year Later, I'm back!

Last time I posted was OVER year ago! Shame.

To be completely honest, I had decided to shut this blog down, but that is a major life decision that is very hard to make. It has been my digital journal where I have recorded every major event in my life. (Well except the last year of course!) I have found myself going back to read the previous posts and look at the pictures, quite often.  I’m a sap, so I get teary eyed every. Single. TIME.  So I have officially decided that I cannot delete it, and that means it will be here forever!  With that being said, I’m sure you would like to know why I haven’t posted anything in two years.   

Meet our Dog, Chico Bam, and meet Benji's glasses.

The truth is, I don’t really know. I guess I have felt very lost and lonely, and that is not something I want to portray to the general public.  It’s really as simple as that.  Talking about how I feel is not one of my strength.  All I can say is that it has taken me two years to feel at home, and sometimes I still get home sick, especially around holidays.  That’s normal though, right?   

Ruben and I have prayed and analyzed everything that has happened in these last two years, and we truly feel that where we are now is exactly where God wants us to be, and that has given us peace of mind.  We love it here, and it feels like home. 

Just to clarify some things, the very last post I wrote (a year ago) we were living in a different city near Baton Rouge.  We no longer live there because we bought a house (YAY!); it’s about an hour away from where we were living previously.  So basically we have made two large moves in the last two years, hence the emotional trauma. Ha.  As hard as it was to make these very extreme and difficult decisions, God was with us the entire time.  It’s a very lengthy, but wonderful testimony.  God was nudging us in this specific direction, and we are slowly understanding why.  It’s quite wonderful to see God’s plan unfold in your life. There are still many things unknown to us, but we have confidence that He has it under control. (I may go into detail on this in a different post)

Our New House 11/12/18 (Also, my Bday)

I am curious to know if any of you have ever moved somewhere faraway (or somewhere that felt faraway), and if so, how did you cope with the change?  I would love to hear about your experience!

Anyways, I just wanted to check in and say HELLO. I’m ready to start blogging again! Yay!  Also, I need feedback. What  would y’all like to know or read about.  Let me know on any of my socials or email me.  J

Life Update

This is for those (if any!) are just wondering what we have been up to, why haven't I blogged, and are we still alive!?

We are alive...and well, Praise God!

I got a job. I’m working at a law firm, doing what I went to school for.  Yay! I really love this job. Not only do I get my own office, but I am also learning lots of new things. Recently, I was helping our attorney prepare for trial, and it was so interesting. I was working in a law firm before this, in Canada, but that was real-estate law.  This is litigation, and it is completely different. I definitely prefer Litigation. 

So since, I’m working now, you may be asking.  Well who takes care of the children? Well…

Benjamin is in 1st grade now, which means he spends most of his day at school.  He has after school care.  Most days he gets picked up by us right away.  Sometimes he has to wait a little bit, but he is well taken care of.  He’s a big boy now. I mean look at him. He’s growing and he is handsome. I don’t want him to grow up!!  Ugh… Soon he’s going to start liking girls... I can’t think about this right now.  Let’s move on. 

Jason is going to daycare/preschool. We found a new daycare in our area that also has a curriculum.  When we enrolled he was put in the two-year-old class, but they switch him over the threes because he is too advanced. I believe it, that kid can talk up a storm, and he’s super smart!  He knows his ABC’s (at the song...anyway).  Look at him; so cute. I don’t want him to grow up either…

I am usually gone to work by the time everyone wakes up.  So, Ruben gets the kids ready in the morning and drops them off. Most of the time he picks them up too because his job is more flexible than mine. Honestly, I hesitated working again because my worry was the kids.Ruben re-assured me multiple times that he would do everything in his power to help me and so far, he has kept true to his word.  So much, that I think that now Jason loves him more than me. Seriously. He cries for his dad! Even though this should make me feel worthless, it actually makes me really happy. My kids should love their dad that much. He is a good man!  

And so that’s it for now. I haven't blogged because... to be completely honest, I just haven't made time. We are very active in church, and so any time that we have free we spent it together, or doing the extensive piles of laundry.  So that is the honest-to-God truth. 

I would like to promise to you that I will blog every week, but I have made that promise before and have failed.(sorry!)  I will, however, blog on some special occasions that are coming up.  So.. just follow me on social media, and you will know when I post. 

k bye.

I can no longer hide it

This is a very true story.

Yesterday I was asked if I would be attending YOUTH camp. Although I am very flattered that someone would consider my attendance, I am quite certain I am above the age limit.  

Is granny allowed in?

“Just don’t tell them your age,” they said.  Ha! 

First, I will not lie… but for the purposes of this blog post, let’s say I did.  I have been told many times I look younger than I am. In fact, when I tell people my age they are shocked. (sometimes they oversell, but tbh I kind of like it) So perhaps, I would get away with not declaring my real age.

AND Let’s just say that I did that and got away with it.  Need we be reminded that I also have children!  Really cute children too. 

“Don’t tell them you have kids?” they said.  

I guess.  I mean people already think I am younger than I actually am. So I guess they could believe that.  but ... only if I did not have a real conversation with anyone.  BECAUSE once anyone had a real conversation with me they would totally know I was a mother. I CAN NO LONGER HIDE IT. Not that I want to. But IF I did, I definitely could not.  It is written on my face.  You can see it in my facial expressions. You can hear it my tone of voice. You can tell, just by how I look around.  Matter of fact, the other day Pastor called me the “mother of the youth”.   And to be honest, I didn't mind the title... I can be, but only if I'm allowed to discipline those hooligans. hehe.

So here are things I have done that are a prime example of my motherhood-ness:

• Fill my Instagram with pictures of my boys. (This is major) 
• Cry... when I have seen an older mother with older boys because that will be me in the future.   
• Touch my heart when I hear a teenager/young-adult talk about struggles.  That may be my child one day.  (Does anyone else do this?)
• The "mom-look"... at anyone who I feel proud of.
• The death stare. 

AND some things I have said to people who are not my children: 

• “Let her smack herself in the face.  That’s the only way she will learn!”  speaking figuratively, of course.
• “Don’t even think about it...” with the pointing finger of course.
• “Please and thank you!”  to someone who obviously forgot their manners at home.
• “When I was younger…”  or “In my time…”  I feel like I do this a lot, and also I might be feeling older than I actually am.
• “Please don’t do that…”  “Please don’t touch that...”   all said with that mom tone.  I can’t control it.
• “You don’t need it, you want it!”  Not that it’s any of my business. I’m aware of that, that’s why it’s followed with… “get it!” Lol.
• “These kids are crazy.”
• "You're too young to date.  Do you have a job? a car?" 
• “Hey!” followed by the death stare.

That's all I can think of right now.  I'm sure there is more.   

"You can be a Den Mother," They said.  I want to be a camper... Therefore, I will not be going to youth camp.  

Sorry. 

What are some things that you say that are motherly?  
Or maybe things your mom says to you? 

Not a small average move II

Let's continue from where we last left off.

(If you have no idea what that means, may I suggest reading THIS post first). 

We arrived at our destination on a Monday.  We were welcomed by the Pastor, Co-Pastor and Ruben's uncle.  They took us home, and we quickly headed out to purchase our essentials.  Ruben gave us a tour of the area and by the time we arrived home and set up our things it was bedtime.  We were so tired everyone fell asleep quickly. The next day we had to run some important errands, so we did that. We headed to New Orleans and spent most of our day there. Since we had arrived, we had been so busy settling in that I didn't really have time to sit down and process all my emotions.  BUT It was Tuesday, and Tuesday is a church day.  So when the time came we got ready and went to church. 

We arrived at the church.  We sat down in the safest place to me.  In the left-est side of the church, which is where I would've sat in Canada.  I would've sat in the front but as a new person I was only there to "observe". (you know how it is).  So there we are sitting awkwardly. Spectating. Like new people do.  Then this man goes up to the altar and says "Let's come to the front for prayer like we always do... etc"  So we obey and go up to the front-ish.  Then the same man says "Let's form prayer circles.. prayer circles..."  I think my facial expression must've indicated I was freaking out because the Co-pastor approached us and said "Guys, please don't feel pressured.  Just relax!".  I laugh at it now, but in that moment I was completely terrified. My thoughts were where do I go? Who am I going to pray with? y'all (introverts) know what I'm talking about.  So there I am standing awkwardly and a tiny bit emotional, but at least I'm not alone. Ruben and the kids are also standing awkwardly with me so I still feel a little safe.  

Suddenly, someone comes and tells Ruben the pastor wants to see him in his office. So he leaves, and I started to get a tad more emotional.  Then someone comes up and says "Today we have the nursery, and the kids have a class", and they take my kids, and I'm left there standing alone. That is when it FINALLY sank in. "I moved. I am far away. My family is not here. This is not my church.  I am no longer in control of anything. I am no longer in the know.  I am alone."  My eyes started to water, and I couldn't hold my tears back.  I was glad it was prayer time because I just sat down and put my head on the chair really hoping people thought I was praying. I really think they did, but in reality, I was really really trying to compose myself, because, well you know, first impressions. So I told my myself "suck it up, Cindy!", and I did.  Eventually, Ruben came back, and I managed to go through the rest of the service without shedding a noticeable tear.  

The following days were challenging, we were still getting stuff and remaining busy. Neither Ruben nor I had started working yet. We were still settling in, and getting things organized.  Trying to get a car, getting Benji in school, getting phones, and all the other millions of things that had to get done for us to feel at home.  We encounter some really tedious obstacles along the way and felt like everything was going wrong. It wasn't, it was all the emotions building up.

Then Friday came, prayer service.  Again with the prayer circles! I went to front this time, feeling a little more confident, and no one came to pray with me.  People, please if you see a new person just standing there awkwardly, go and reach out to them. It'll make all the difference!!  So I stood there holding my baby, as he was my safety net, and I got emotional. I cried, but this time I prayed and asked God to help me get a hold of my emotions. The whole time trying to maintain composure, so as to show that I was praying.. not crying!  And so I managed to get through this service as well.  At one point during the service, Pastor asked a sister in the church to speak about how she had to leave everything when she moved to this church. That geared towards us to encourage, no doubt.  She spoke about how hard it was, and how she thought it was worth it because she loved the church and everyone in it! Indeed, it was encouraging to see the God brings you through it, but it also made me question if I would ever feel part of or ever love this church?

When we got home, everyone went to bed. I just sat on the bed. sad. Ruben asked me what was wrong? and that is when I really got emotional. I expressed how no one came to pray with me, and how prayer circles were dumb (they are not), and how everything was different, and how I missed my family, and my church, and my friends, and my job, and everything was going wrong, and the list went on and on. And I cried and cried and cried. And my husband just heard me out, and simply said "I miss my family too, but I am your family and I am here for you", and he just held me until I had cried it all out.  He's a great guy.  We realized we were trying to do too much in a little bit of time, and that it takes time to settle in. We decided to take one thing at a time, for our own emotional sake. 

The lesson to learn here is that sometimes you just gotta cry! Just let it all out. Cry your little heart out until you feel better. That's all you need to do sometimes.  I definitely felt better afterward and I haven't cried about that since... well except on my bday, and the other day when I talked about my mom.  OK, it's normal to cry when you miss family, but I no longer dwell on that, thanks to God! God brought me through it like he always does. Praise Him!

About two weeks later I had to deal with a different kind of emotion, but that's a story for another post.

Benjinisms

My boy turned 6 years this month.  YES, SIX! like, remember THIS post?  Although it seems like yesterday, it was actually quite a while ago.  I can't even believe I have a six-year-old.

In honor of his 6th birthday, his aunts and I decided that we were going to share some Benjinisms on twitter.  If you are wondering what that is, let me tell ya. Unlike Bushisms, they are not errors in public speaking. Benjinisms are just things that Benji has said that are smart and/or cute.  Yes, I created this because, well, I can. Anyways, He is a pretty smart fella and also is a "mad cutie", as my husband would say.

Let's begin.

"We are a family and we are in love" - He still believes this to be true, and it is my favorite thing ever!

"I will have a duplicate of what he is having," said to a waitress, and she was quite impressed.

"Mom, when I went on your iPad, I did some research on jets, and I found a jet that is named Jason" -  Also, the other day he went on youtube and actually searched "Research on Crocodilians".

This coming from his tia (aunt) Mary: 
Me doing a crossword puzzle "umm, Cindy, what's another word for Intelligent?"
Cindy does not respond.
Benjamin: "Oh Tia, BRILLIANT, or SMART!"
Me: "Thanks, Benji, your mom is no help"

This is straight from his Tia Ruth:
Today is Benjamin's sixth birthday and we are going to share some of his brilliance, as well as his idea that because he loves you, certain questions are dumb:

Benji: "Tia, let's go get pizza."
Me: "Will you share your pizza with me?"
Benji: "Yeah! I love you!"

The last one is from his tia Ray: (he has lots of tias)
Tia: "You are my family"
Benji: "yes, and family is everything"

How did we get so blessed with a smart and loving son!
You can find more #Benjinisms on twitter.  I will be posting.

Also, I will continue speaking about my move in the next post. If you have any questions about my move, ministry or anything, you can leave a comment or message me. I will be doing a Q&A. So, stay tuned for all the good stuff!

Not a small average move, I must say

I have intentionally neglected this blog.  Although in my mind I am always thinking about it.  It has been with good reason and I do feel that I owe an explanation. The reason is that we moved.  Not a small average move, I must say. We have moved to a different country. If you follow me on social media, you know by now that we moved to Louisiana.

My husband lived here in his teens and has always had a desire to return.  When we first got married he mentioned wanting to move here and I was absolutely against it. I had made a promise to myself that I would never ever return to the States. Just the thought of even visiting would give me a knot in my stomach, and a nauseating unsettling feeling. So that's how we lived; never thinking about it again. Every now and then my husband would reminisce about his days in the south and state how much he loved it, and that's how far the conversation would ever go.

One day my husband received an invitation to preach at a youth event in Louisiana, which he accepted.  In preparation for this event, he mentioned how nervous he was because he hadn't been there for so long. He made plans to visit his old church, which his uncle is the pastor of.  The day approached fast and he left for the weekend. I stayed home praying for him, and in my Spirit, I knew that he would not come back the same. I was right. When he returned something had changed in him. He told me that they had invited him to preach at his old church, and when he preached something happened in his Spirit.  He felt a connection with the people. They mentioned to him that they were in need of a youth pastor, and asked if he could stay.  Of course, my husband rejected the idea. He had his family and church that he loved and was not willing to leave. He told me about how they prayed for him and he felt that something happened inside of him, but he could not explain it.  We revisited the topic of moving once again, and after much discussion, we decided we could not leave our families and our church.

About a month later, he received another invitation to preach at his uncle church.  He accepted.  When he returned he told me that they invited him to leaders prayer.  They prayed and prophesied over him and he received a word from God. He didn't tell anyone what he had received. It so happens that at the very last minute before his departure he was ambushed by the church leaders basically asking him to move.  They had been intensely praying for quite some time for a youth leader, and the need was great. They expressed the concern they had for the youth group of their church.  This was in accordance with the word God had given him. Even so, the only thing that my husband answered was that he would speak to his wife and pray about it.  They said they would pray too.  That was it.  We spoke about it, and there were a lot of things that would be hard to leave unless God intervened.  So we prayed and they prayed, and I could feel the pull of their prayers in my spirit.

Through prayer, I understood that my husband had a greater calling than what he was doing.  I also understood that he needed mentorship, and to be moved from his comfort zone to be able to fulfill what God had planned for him.  I told God that I believed in my husbands calling, that I knew that I was also part of the plan and that I would go but only if He placed everything in order. As I spoke these words in prayer that knot and the nauseating feeling was lifted. But oh, how heavy were those words in my heart. To leave all those you love, and all that you have worked hard for. IT WAS NOT EASY!  My husband and I prayed, waited and set a date, to set a date. During this time we set signs that only God knew and only God could fulfill.

As time went by all the things that were happening were indicating that God was working in Lousiana's favor.  I will not get into details of everything that suddenly changed, but signs were fulfilled.  All I can say is that when you ask God to guide you, He does. And he does so in a way that you will clearly understand. YOU have to be realistic and accept God's guidance.  Many times he speaks to us again and again and we choose not to understand because we prefer to be where we are comfortable.  God spoke to us, as clear as day, and we understood.

A date for the move was set. We spoke to our loved ones, and although they were sad, they understood.  This was the pattern with everyone we spoke.  To our surprise, there was no opposition. I mean in our human-ness we thought no one cared, but now I know that was not the case. Well, I guess it is NO surprise because God does all things perfect. We bought our plane tickets, quit our jobs, sold all of our possessions and literally came with a suitcase of clothes each. Now, I do not recommend this unless you are 100% sure that God is calling you elsewhere.  So like, don't try this at home type of thing. I still can't believe it, to be honest.

Everything happened so fast. (as seems to be the norm in my life)  All of a sudden we were on a plane to our new life. I didn't even cry on the plane. I was so worried about the kids, who did amazing by the way, that I didn't have time to process my emotions until a few days after the move...  and that story is for the next post.

October 30, 2017

The best advice given to me

About a year or so ago, I was in desperate need of help. I honestly thought I was going to end up ill from stress or something. I was overwhelmed with so many things on my plate and was having a hard time balancing all of my responsibilities.

At a church conference, I met Sis. Torres.  I had heard her husband mention how they went into ministry quite young and also had small children during that time and I felt like I could relate.  So, when we were at a pastor’s lunch I was praying to God that I would somehow end up sitting near Sis. Torres so I could ask her for some advice. Basically, I just needed someone to talk to that had been in a similar position as me.  Somehow, because God knows, she ended up sitting right beside me. We engaged in some small talk. I finally got the courage to ask her how she was able to balance ministry, motherhood and all the other responsibilities; she gave me the best advice.  I had asked other people and they had just said “hang in there. God will reward you. Your kids will grow. It’ll get better.” This advice was not wrong, but to be honest not very helpful.   

Sis. Torres said to me “honestly sister, raise your kids. Your kids will not be little forever but whatever you teach them NOW will stay with them forever. You are in the season of raising your kids, and God knows, you can do all those things later.  There will be other opportunities, but you will never have your kids this young again.” 

She is right, and I have taken this advice to heart. Since receiving this advice, I’ve had to say no to many things but I’ve also learned that I can’t control everything and it’s okay to let other take control.

Plus, he is the happiest baby ever! 

P.S.  I want to do a Q&A for next post. Send me your questions and I will answer them on here. 

Baby Jay

Jason's update.


My baby is growing up too fast. I just received an email that reminded me that he is 21 months! Wow. Time has gone so very fast, I cannot believe it. He will be TWO in 3 months? 


Jason's sense of humor is amazing. Actually, I might just be saying that because he thinks I am hilarious, and that has always been my dream haha. Seriously though, he is such a happy person.  His laughter just fills the house with joy. He wakes up happy and goes to sleep happy. Just has an overall wonderful perspective on life. The only time he is grumpy pants is when he is sleepy, and I can definitely relate to that! He’s also very polite. He says “ank you”, “Peesh”, and “nuni” (excuse me). Seriously how adorbs! We bought him clothes the other day, and it didn’t matter that it wasn't named brand, or slightly big on him, or exactly what he wanted... he was Just excited and said: “ank you”.  Ack! 




Jason’s personality is so interesting. As of now, I have noticed some interesting things about his character. For instance, during a recent beach day my husband, Benji and Cousin Echo decided that they were going to have a race. So they got into position, and wanting to be part of the grand event, so did Baby Jason. There was a countdown and they all took off, including baby. He was waaaaaaaaayyyy behind, but what I really liked is that he kept going.  I was power walking along his side and he was running out of breath, but he kept going until he finally reached them.  What I found amazing is that he didn’t get discouraged because he was way behind, he just kept going until he completed his purpose.  Even though the others didn’t consider him, he didn’t care. I was just thinking to myself what a beautiful attitude to have, and a lesson to learn. God's word is so right when he says we must be like a child. Praises. 



The point is that he has a big heart.  He says hi to everyone, and wants to share everything he has.  He does not hold grudges and is so loving and sweet. Not just that, but sometimes I will be holding him on my lap and he will look over at other children having fun, and his face will just light up.  Genuine happiness to see others having a good time. When I see his face, I just melt on the inside.

Oh, I love him.

But alas by the Grace of God, I have graduated

MY UPDATE:

Last year I gave a lesson to the young girls called “Your Season of Independence”. During that lesson I talked about how everything in life has season, and that at that time it was their season to focus on God and themselves. As in, focus on your relationship with God, your ministry, your studies, and accomplishing your goals. I said one very true thing, and it was that when you do things out of season, things become harder than they were intended to be.  It’s not to say that you won’t be able to accomplish what you want, it’s just that the struggle is greater. I am a real living example of the struggle of doing things out of season.  Real life struggles, like worrying who will take care of your children, which can be quite stressful. . . But alas by the Grace of God, I have graduated! 

It was not an easy journey. I had many struggles and obstacles to overcome, and quite honestly, I think back now and wonder how I never lost my sanity. The first thing was who was going to watch my then 3 year old Benji.  I had a few moments of panic, but I am thankful for my church family who is always willing to help.  A sweet sister from my church watched him until I was able to get him into daycare. My husband would drive him to her house at like 6am, and I would take the bus to school.  We only had one car, at the time.  Then I finally got him into the daycare at my school, but now the problem was that we only had one car.  So Benji and I had to take the bus to school, and this fine… until winter rolled along. I had two 8 am classes, and I had to leave the house at 6 am to catch the bus with my then 3 year old in -30 weather.  That was brutal.  Luckily mid-winter God provided us with another vehicle, and that made things easier for us. 

First year classes were a breeze, it was mostly computer based and I found it rather enjoyable to be honest.  The thing that happened was… I got pregnant. The dilemma was that now I didn’t know what to do because I really wanted to finish school, but I also knew that with a baby I wouldn’t be able to.  So I reached out to my teacher, who was so wonderful and supportive, and she said the best thing was for me to take a year off and return after.  So after praying and discussing with hubby, that’s what I did. It was great to stay home with the kids, but I also saw the stress the finances caused on my husband. I even attempted to find a job, but never got called.  I do believe that was the will of God though, because had I worked, I probably wouldn’t have returned to school.  Seeing all my first year classmates graduating and posting about their jobs, saddened me but was also that push I needed to return to school and finish.   

The first thing about returning to school was finding who was going to take care of 9 month old baby. Luckily, a sister from church started a daycare and Jason was her first baby, and she even picked Benjamin up from school. So that was great!  Then mid semester she told me the horrible news of her returning back to work, and once again there was stress. God knows all things and prepares a way before you even know it though. God allowed my In-laws moved close to us, so FIL was able to pick Benji up from school. AND just in the nick-of-time, another sister from church became available to babysit Jason (and she still does).  I know it seems rather stranger but I promise I do not leave my baby with strangers, these are women who I love and are dear to my heart. They have been with us since the beginning of ministry and have been like mothers to me, and I am so grateful to God for them. 

3rd Semester was hard! Apart from having a young baby, a 5 year old, wife duties and ministry responsibilities, the school work load was HEAVY!!!   If there was a time where I showed time management skills, it was then. I adapted a mindset that was to do everything as soon as it was assigned. During those long breaks between classes I would not take time off, I would work through it and did everything possible to finish all my work in school. Even then, I found myself writing essays at 3am. It was quite overwhelming, but I managed to survive (zombie mode).  It was worth it though, because by the end of the semester I was able to explain the process of a civil suit, or a divorce case. I finally felt that all my efforts were worth something. 

For last semester I didn’t have any child care issues, Thank God! What happened in the month of January to mid Feb was that everyone in my home was getting sick. Like back to back, I don’t even know what, or why, or how.  All I know is that, I swear, I didn’t sleep the whole month. Even my friends in school were starting to say things like “again? Your kids are sick AGAIN?”  I had Monday’s off, and I was going to the Doctor’s office every Monday.  The receptionist there will know us forever. FINALLY everything started to go back to normal!  I missed two assignments because of these unfortunate events, but I still passed all my classes. I found a Co-op with a Spanish speaking lawyer, she hired me on right after co-op and it has been a huge blessing on my life. Lastly, yesterday was my graduation and I graduated with Distinction.  If you don’t know what that means… In my school, it is one category above honours!

So, is it possible to accomplish your dreams a little late, and out of season? Yes it is.  

Would it had been easier if I would have done it when it was intended? 100%.  You can avoid all these struggle if you just do things in their season. Keep that in mind! 

Last thing I want to say is… The biggest support I had was from my husband, since the beginning.  I applaud him for everything he has done in this journey.  Secondly my family, and my church fam has all had a part in this journey, from words of encouragement to prayers. Oh and Ms. Salazar for letting me do my interview assignment on her. The diploma is in my name, but in a sense I feel like we all graduated. 

*Shout out to Ms. Jocelyn Castro for being a reader for 5 years! YOU ROCK!  

Read my Tips for Surviving School

“He’s a natural leader” she said...

Hey there,

Long time no talk. Life has sure changed since the last time I posted something. The last time I posted was about Jason's first birthday.  I posted that way back in February, soooooo I am thinking we need to have a little update post(s).

Let's start with Benjamin,

My boy is five now. He is almost done his first year of school EVER! Can you believe?  Just yesterday I was dropping him off for his first day of school, and walking away with such a heavy heart. Let me tell ya, it never goes away.  You get used to dropping them off, but when I see him walk into the school my heart is once again heavy.  I assume it will always be this way, and I will just have to endure it. Just like every other parent has had to.   All you can do is pray!

I have attended my first parent-teacher conference. You know how they say the way to make a person feel good, is to compliment their child?  Well I have never left a place feeling so proud. The teacher raved about how MY SON, was such a compassionate person, and how he was aware of other people’s feelings. She told me about the time where Benjamin had a “grand idea”, and it was to build a pretend living room station, where all the kids could go “watch TV” and eat their snacks, AND how he formulated a plan and got all the children involved to accomplish his vision. You  “He’s a natural leader” she said, as I fanned my peacock tail. It was only for a mere moment though, because I quickly was remind that child in not my own, but belongs to God. So as I returned to my vehicle my eyes filled with tears as I thanked God for my amazing child.


Benji is a great big brother.  This title includes; looking out for his little brother, holding hands with him to ensure there are no runaways, watching your iPad together, sharing your snack and fighting over anything.  Yes they fight, they cry and mom has to be the mediator.  Just the other day I made them hug it out and they both cried. It was quite comical, but I maintained my I-mean-business face. I mean, they shouldn’t fight, but that’s what a healthy sibling relationship requires. If you have never fought with your siblings… well you might have unresolved issues. Lol. OH in case you are wondering, YES the one year old is quite the defender.

How much my boy has grown! Facebook reminds me of that almost every day.  I always go on there just to see what memories will pop up and almost every day, it is baby Benji 5 YEARS AGO! Incredible. Tear. BUT what really did it, was when my brother in law sent me a video he found of Baby Benjamin who didn’t even know how to talk yet. I cried.  Apparently the more your kids grow, the more you cry.  Truth. I cry all the time, and there are no holding back these floodgates. ha!

I will never forget when Benji approached me and said “Mom, we are family and we are in love!”, and what an accurate description that was!

Jason's First Birthday

I just wanted to do a little throwback (even though it's not Thurs) to November and share Jason's 1st birthday. I apologize for the delay.

I am more of small-intimate-personal celebration but since Benjamin had a 1st birthday party, I thought it was only fair. Plus first birthdays are a pretty big deal in this family! So...for Jason's party we went with a lumberjack because he is a tough little man.  

I created the invitation first (of course) and we centered all the decorations around that. My friend Yenni, from The Pink Door Decor, help set up my vision AND she made the amazing cake with a little surprise on the inside.  It was delicious!  So onward with the millions of photos...

Surprise! 

Yenni also made these cupcakes and the toppers! 

The surprise inside

Little favors

My dad :)

Ruben didn't get the memo in time! LOL

 We had a great time and Jason had a great time.
He didn't cry and was happy through out the whole party.
I can't believe how fast his first year went by! 

Almost there!

I'm back guys. I have been gone for a while, and this is because I am back in school. I am in my last semester now, and I am super excited that I will be finishing soon. It has not been easy, let me tell ya. The previous semester was very overwhelming! Now that I think back, I have no idea how I survived without losing my mind. God definitely kept me sane. 

I mean, apart from the usually late night essay writing and study sessions a student has, add the wife/mom responsibilities with church responsibilities AND then add sick baby. I mean at one point the whole family was sick. I'm pretty sure I was running on no sleep, and loads of coffee. It was tough. I just don't even want to think or talk about it. I am glad thats over and I passed all my classes, thank you Jesus!! 

This semester is suppose to be lighter. I mean, its only week 2, but so far, it seems to be okay. Plus I know this is the last, and I am almost there!  ALMOST THERE GUYS. YAY!  

I have so many things to share with you all!  Jason's first Bday, (he is walking now), Benjamin's first day of school, Holidays etc.  We need to catch up, but for now, just know that we are A-okay! 

 This was taken during a shopping trip with my sisters, a much needed break and time away from everything! 

A little about this, now, one year old

The day my baby Jay was born was exactly, one year ago. It's been ONE WHOLE YEAR.  I can’t even comprehend, Is this for real!? 

I don’t know if I am biased but Jason is just the cutest baby I have ever seen. Irresistibly cute. When I am my most tired, and trying to catch up on some z’s, I hear him get up.  With all my might, I desire for him to go back to sleep, but he doesn’t. He gets up, stands in his crib, and calls me and/or Ruben.  We avoid looking over because when we do, he sprouts the most precious smile you have ever seen, and we can’t help but walk over there and squish hug him!!  What can I say? He is very persuasive.

Well here is a little about this, now, one year old.

1.   He has a little 'tude.  It’s true! When this child gets angry, he gets angry.  He raises his little voice, and frowns his little face. It’s a very cute display of anger, I must admit.

2.   He loves to eat. He eats everything and anything.  It’s a piece of paper? Who cares! He will try and eat it. His pastime is crawling around looking for things to eat, so his mom (me), has to make sure that nothing, absolutely nothing, is on the ground.  Yay for me.

3.   He loves his mom more.  Exceptions: When dad is home.

4.   You have never seen dance moves like his. He practices any time he gets a chance.  Anytime!  Even in public, and he doesn't care who is looking. 

5.   When the bathwater starts running, you better move out of his way. In a split second there is serious determination is this youngling, and he will take out whatever tries to stop him from bath time.

6.    Jason has serious persuasion powers.  Be careful.  I’m telling you that smile will get you doing anything his little heart desires. 

Well that's enough for now.

Happy Birthday to Jason! 

Milestones

Jason turned 9 months on Monday.  9 MONTHS!!  I cannot believe how fast time has gone by.  (Did I really give birth 9 months ago?)

I am not quite sure how I feel about this post.  Bittersweet, I guess.  That seems to be the anthem of my life. One day you are a mother of one handsome little boy, and the next day you are welcoming another handsome little boy.  It seems like just a little while ago, I was only indulging in my own little selfish pleasures, and now I am all about selfless giving, and to 3 men, intentionally!!  Ahhh life.

In less than a month, Ruben and I will be celebrating our 6 year anniversary. Wow.  Shortly after that, Benji will start school. Double wow!... AND shortly after that, Jason will turn ONE!!  I am baffled by all these milestones and changes.  Life truly is a rollercoaster.

All I have to say is.. Thank you Jesus, Keep them coming!

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To Four!

My kids are both 4 and It’s probably the only time that will ever happen.  One is 4 years and the other is 4 months.  Jason turned 4 months and I am loving this stage of his life.  He is the cutest baby boy I have ever seen, and yes I am biased.  I can be. He is mine.

He’s so happy and smiley.  

It's SOOOO Adorbs. 

I love it when Jason wakes in the morning or after nap.  I hear him calling out to be rescued from the crib.  When I go over to him; his little eyes are closed and are struggling to open. After he finally gets his eyes open he sees me, and just gives me the most wonderful and gentle smile.  It’s my favorite part of the day.  (I posted a clip of it on Instagram)

At 4 months he:
-Does not need a haircut. (unlike Benji)
-Holds his head up,
-Reaches for things,
-Sits unassisted for like a minute
-Holds his bottle for like 2 seconds
-Rolls over with some arm assistance
-LOLs
-Screams in the middle of service, making everyone turn to look at me.
-Pulls the baby hairs on the back of neck.
-Tries to eat my face
-Smiles, laughs and plays with everyone.
-Is the cutest wittle babay! 

 Experts say (The expert being my dad. A title well deserved after having 4 beautiful girls *ahem) that at 4 months they begin to say mama or dada. ‘Til this day I haven’t heard a “mama” or “dada”.  So the big question is… What will he say first? The suspense.  I am constantly trying to get him to say at least “ma” but nothing.  Benji said Mama first, and only one time.  After that one and only time it was “dada.. dada.. dada.." blah blah yeah yeah.  I wholeheartedly refuse to believe this will be the case again.   It simply cannot be!  

What do you think he will say first?  

#TeamMama !!