February 21, 2018

Not a small average move II

Let's continue from where we last left off.
(If you have no idea what that means, may I suggest reading THIS post first). 

We arrived at our destination on a Monday.  We were welcomed by the Pastor, Co-Pastor and Ruben's uncle.  They took us home, and we quickly headed out to purchase our essentials.  Ruben gave us a tour of the area and by the time we arrived home and set up our things it was bedtime.  We were so tired everyone fell asleep quickly. The next day we had to run some important errands, so we did that. We headed to New Orleans and spent most of our day there. Since we had arrived, we had been so busy settling in that I didn't really have time to sit down and process all my emotions.  BUT It was Tuesday, and Tuesday is a church day.  So when the time came we got ready and went to church. 

We arrived at the church.  We sat down in the safest place to me.  In the left-est side of the church, which is where I would've sat in Canada.  I would've sat in the front but as a new person I was only there to "observe". (you know how it is).  So there we are sitting awkwardly. Spectating. Like new people do.  Then this man goes up to the altar and says "Let's come to the front for prayer like we always do... etc"  So we obey and go up to the front-ish.  Then the same man says "Let's form prayer circles.. prayer circles..."  I think my facial expression must've indicated I was freaking out because the Co-pastor approached us and said "Guys, please don't feel pressured.  Just relax!".  I laugh at it now, but in that moment I was completely terrified. My thoughts were where do I go? Who am I going to pray with? y'all (introverts) know what I'm talking about.  So there I am standing awkwardly and a tiny bit emotional, but at least I'm not alone. Ruben and the kids are also standing awkwardly with me so I still feel a little safe.  

Suddenly, someone comes and tells Ruben the pastor wants to see him in his office. So he leaves, and I started to get a tad more emotional.  Then someone comes up and says "Today we have the nursery, and the kids have a class", and they take my kids, and I'm left there standing alone. That is when it FINALLY sank in. "I moved. I am far away. My family is not here. This is not my church.  I am no longer in control of anything. I am no longer in the know.  I am alone."  My eyes started to water, and I couldn't hold my tears back.  I was glad it was prayer time because I just sat down and put my head on the chair really hoping people thought I was praying. I really think they did, but in reality, I was really really trying to compose myself, because, well you know, first impressions. So I told my myself "suck it up, Cindy!", and I did.  Eventually, Ruben came back, and I managed to go through the rest of the service without shedding a noticeable tear.  

The following days were challenging, we were still getting stuff and remaining busy. Neither Ruben nor I had started working yet. We were still settling in, and getting things organized.  Trying to get a car, getting Benji in school, getting phones, and all the other millions of things that had to get done for us to feel at home.  We encounter some really tedious obstacles along the way and felt like everything was going wrong. It wasn't, it was all the emotions building up.

Then Friday came, prayer service.  Again with the prayer circles! I went to front this time, feeling a little more confident, and no one came to pray with me.  People, please if you see a new person just standing there awkwardly, go and reach out to them. It'll make all the difference!!  So I stood there holding my baby, as he was my safety net, and I got emotional. I cried, but this time I prayed and asked God to help me get a hold of my emotions. The whole time trying to maintain composure, so as to show that I was praying.. not crying!  And so I managed to get through this service as well.  At one point during the service, Pastor asked a sister in the church to speak about how she had to leave everything when she moved to this church. That geared towards us to encourage, no doubt.  She spoke about how hard it was, and how she thought it was worth it because she loved the church and everyone in it! Indeed, it was encouraging to see the God brings you through it, but it also made me question if I would ever feel part of or ever love this church?

When we got home, everyone went to bed. I just sat on the bed. sad. Ruben asked me what was wrong? and that is when I really got emotional. I expressed how no one came to pray with me, and how prayer circles were dumb (they are not), and how everything was different, and how I missed my family, and my church, and my friends, and my job, and everything was going wrong, and the list went on and on. And I cried and cried and cried. And my husband just heard me out, and simply said "I miss my family too, but I am your family and I am here for you", and he just held me until I had cried it all out.  He's a great guy.  We realized we were trying to do too much in a little bit of time, and that it takes time to settle in. We decided to take one thing at a time, for our own emotional sake. 

The lesson to learn here is that sometimes you just gotta cry! Just let it all out. Cry your little heart out until you feel better. That's all you need to do sometimes.  I definitely felt better afterward and I haven't cried about that since... well except on my bday, and the other day when I talked about my mom.  OK, it's normal to cry when you miss family, but I no longer dwell on that, thanks to God! God brought me through it like he always does. Praise Him!

About two weeks later I had to deal with a different kind of emotion, but that's a story for another post.


Sarah Segovia said...

so many feels!!! miss you guys

Maria said...

Appreciate your willingness to be raw and honest, and to courageously follow God's voice. Love you guys!

Iris Segovia said...

Wow lady, there were a lot of emotions. I can only imagine.But God always helps us out. God is good.

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