In my eyes I'm the worst, but in his eyes I’m the best

In honor of Jason turning 4 last month.

“Do you have a lot to do right now?” is the question I get from Jason every night at bedtime.  He asks me this because he wants me to tuck him in and stay there cuddling until he falls asleep.  Of course, this is very untimely because, as any mother knows, THAT IS the time to get stuff done. Stuff like wash the dishes, fold the laundry, sweep, mop, shower, relax and basically anything that needs no interruption. 

So I’ll say to Jason “I have to fold laundry but as soon as I’m done I will come and check on you. Ok?”, and he’ll responded with a very disappointed “ok” I follow through though. I do check on him afterwards but he is always asleep when I get there. AND when that happens, I feel as though I have let him down – that is the worst feeling.  Mom-guilt.    So then I lay in bed contemplating how I can do better as a mom and give my children all they need from me. I think of what I did wrong, and what I could improve.  There I lay - thinking and thinking… until I finally I fall asleep. So then, I go to sleep with mom guilt.

The funny thing is – in the morning when I wake Jason, he is just so happy to see me.  He sees me as though I have done nothing wrong, and all the mom guilt goes away.  My son just loves me and he is blind to all my failures. In my eyes I'm the worst, but in his eyes I’m the best!   

Isn’t that just the most accurate representation of who Jesus is? Like Lamentations 3:22-23 says “Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” We fail God daily, and yet His mercies are new every morning.

That being said, sometimes I do indulge Jason (and myself) and I’ll just snuggle with him until he falls asleep.  Sometimes I even let him snuggle with me in my bed… especially when he walks through the bedroom door with sleepy eyes. After all- he is my baby. 

Story Time

I love it when the boys play together, and they use their imagination.  The other day I was watching my boys build forts. One of the forts was a store and the other fort was a house that apparently needed to be filled with lots of material things.  It was quite entertaining to watch and I started to reminisce about my childhood.  To be quite honest, I don’t remember much from my childhood.  It all seems like a blur to me, but I do remember a few stories. So in honor of my birthday week, I’ve decided to share a memory with you. It goes as follow: 

When I was about 7 years old, my sister and I decided that we were going to into business together. We decided that we were going to become partners in the book selling business.  I’m not even certain where the idea came from; all I know is that at the time, it was a grand idea!

We had a lot of books.  A whole bin full, actually. Apparently we were quite the readers or at least “picture lookers” at that age.  I believe that these were purchased as “previously loved” books and I’m certain that they were purchased in better condition than they were in.   I mean, the books had run through 4 sets of little girl’s hands.

So we made a plan.  We would pack some books, get on our bikes, and sell them door to door.  I was going to go to one side of our neighborhood and she would go the other side.  So we piled our “best” books and each took a stack. We put them on our bikes and went our separate ways. I placed the books in the basket that was at the front of my bike.  I remember feeling nervous, but determined.  I did not want to disappoint myself and my sister.

After I had rehearsed what I was going to say, I took a deep breath, and got on my bike and rode it down the sidewalk.  We lived in a neighborhood of town houses, so I didn’t want to go too far because I would get in trouble. I rode up to the very last house on our row of townhouses, and parked my bike as close to the front door as I could.  A little hesitation presented itself, quickly followed by a rush of bravery. I walked up to that door and knocked.  I immediately regretted it, but there was no turning back now. 

This lady opened the door, and said “yes?”

I responded with “Hi my name is Cindy, and I live down the street. My sister and I are selling books, would you like to buy one for your kids or something?” I gave her the price.  I don’t remember what the price was but I’m pretty sure it was something like 1 for $5 or 3 for $10.

“What kind of books?” I handed her some books. She looked at them and said “Not right now”, and slammed the door in my face.  (Not really. I’m sure she was nice, but that’s the way it felt at the time)

I went back to my bike, looked at my books, and whispered to myself “it’s ok; the next person will buy one”.   *I must’ve really thought my books were special*

I rang the doorbell on the house next door, and this lady just rejected my offer through the screen door - didn’t even open the door or look at the books.

At this point I started to feel a little discouraged, but I thought I would try one more time. I rode up to the next house, and I rang the doorbell. I waited a bit, but there was no answer.  I climbed back on my bike and as I was riding up to the next house, I decided to keep going straight to my house. I unpacked my books, and decided that I was done with the partnership.  I waited for my sister to return, and she never did.  I found her playing outside with her friends.  She told me she had not sold any books, either.

I felt embarrassed and vowed never to do anything like that ever again.

I did though. In seventh grade I went door to door selling chocolate covered almonds.  That’s a success story that I will tell in another story time.

YEEEAAARRRSSS later I brought this up to my sister, as we were discussing our childhood, ONLY TO FIND OUT she had never even gone out to sell any books. She has just gone out to play with her friends. Go figure. 

Me - Big Sis

Even so, there is a lesson is this real life story.  The lessons: ONE, make sure your partnership is legit; and TWO don’t let life’s past failures define your future. 

K bye.

A Year Later, I'm back!

Last time I posted was OVER year ago! Shame.

To be completely honest, I had decided to shut this blog down, but that is a major life decision that is very hard to make. It has been my digital journal where I have recorded every major event in my life. (Well except the last year of course!) I have found myself going back to read the previous posts and look at the pictures, quite often.  I’m a sap, so I get teary eyed every. Single. TIME.  So I have officially decided that I cannot delete it, and that means it will be here forever!  With that being said, I’m sure you would like to know why I haven’t posted anything in two years.   

Meet our Dog, Chico Bam, and meet Benji's glasses.

The truth is, I don’t really know. I guess I have felt very lost and lonely, and that is not something I want to portray to the general public.  It’s really as simple as that.  Talking about how I feel is not one of my strength.  All I can say is that it has taken me two years to feel at home, and sometimes I still get home sick, especially around holidays.  That’s normal though, right?   

Ruben and I have prayed and analyzed everything that has happened in these last two years, and we truly feel that where we are now is exactly where God wants us to be, and that has given us peace of mind.  We love it here, and it feels like home. 

Just to clarify some things, the very last post I wrote (a year ago) we were living in a different city near Baton Rouge.  We no longer live there because we bought a house (YAY!); it’s about an hour away from where we were living previously.  So basically we have made two large moves in the last two years, hence the emotional trauma. Ha.  As hard as it was to make these very extreme and difficult decisions, God was with us the entire time.  It’s a very lengthy, but wonderful testimony.  God was nudging us in this specific direction, and we are slowly understanding why.  It’s quite wonderful to see God’s plan unfold in your life. There are still many things unknown to us, but we have confidence that He has it under control. (I may go into detail on this in a different post)

Our New House 11/12/18 (Also, my Bday)

I am curious to know if any of you have ever moved somewhere faraway (or somewhere that felt faraway), and if so, how did you cope with the change?  I would love to hear about your experience!

Anyways, I just wanted to check in and say HELLO. I’m ready to start blogging again! Yay!  Also, I need feedback. What  would y’all like to know or read about.  Let me know on any of my socials or email me.  J

Life Update

This is for those (if any!) are just wondering what we have been up to, why haven't I blogged, and are we still alive!?

We are alive...and well, Praise God!

I got a job. I’m working at a law firm, doing what I went to school for.  Yay! I really love this job. Not only do I get my own office, but I am also learning lots of new things. Recently, I was helping our attorney prepare for trial, and it was so interesting. I was working in a law firm before this, in Canada, but that was real-estate law.  This is litigation, and it is completely different. I definitely prefer Litigation. 

So since, I’m working now, you may be asking.  Well who takes care of the children? Well…

Benjamin is in 1st grade now, which means he spends most of his day at school.  He has after school care.  Most days he gets picked up by us right away.  Sometimes he has to wait a little bit, but he is well taken care of.  He’s a big boy now. I mean look at him. He’s growing and he is handsome. I don’t want him to grow up!!  Ugh… Soon he’s going to start liking girls... I can’t think about this right now.  Let’s move on. 

Jason is going to daycare/preschool. We found a new daycare in our area that also has a curriculum.  When we enrolled he was put in the two-year-old class, but they switch him over the threes because he is too advanced. I believe it, that kid can talk up a storm, and he’s super smart!  He knows his ABC’s (at the song...anyway).  Look at him; so cute. I don’t want him to grow up either…

I am usually gone to work by the time everyone wakes up.  So, Ruben gets the kids ready in the morning and drops them off. Most of the time he picks them up too because his job is more flexible than mine. Honestly, I hesitated working again because my worry was the kids.Ruben re-assured me multiple times that he would do everything in his power to help me and so far, he has kept true to his word.  So much, that I think that now Jason loves him more than me. Seriously. He cries for his dad! Even though this should make me feel worthless, it actually makes me really happy. My kids should love their dad that much. He is a good man!  

And so that’s it for now. I haven't blogged because... to be completely honest, I just haven't made time. We are very active in church, and so any time that we have free we spent it together, or doing the extensive piles of laundry.  So that is the honest-to-God truth. 

I would like to promise to you that I will blog every week, but I have made that promise before and have failed.(sorry!)  I will, however, blog on some special occasions that are coming up.  So.. just follow me on social media, and you will know when I post. 

k bye.

I can no longer hide it

This is a very true story.

Yesterday I was asked if I would be attending YOUTH camp. Although I am very flattered that someone would consider my attendance, I am quite certain I am above the age limit.  

Is granny allowed in?

“Just don’t tell them your age,” they said.  Ha! 

First, I will not lie… but for the purposes of this blog post, let’s say I did.  I have been told many times I look younger than I am. In fact, when I tell people my age they are shocked. (sometimes they oversell, but tbh I kind of like it) So perhaps, I would get away with not declaring my real age.

AND Let’s just say that I did that and got away with it.  Need we be reminded that I also have children!  Really cute children too. 

“Don’t tell them you have kids?” they said.  

I guess.  I mean people already think I am younger than I actually am. So I guess they could believe that.  but ... only if I did not have a real conversation with anyone.  BECAUSE once anyone had a real conversation with me they would totally know I was a mother. I CAN NO LONGER HIDE IT. Not that I want to. But IF I did, I definitely could not.  It is written on my face.  You can see it in my facial expressions. You can hear it my tone of voice. You can tell, just by how I look around.  Matter of fact, the other day Pastor called me the “mother of the youth”.   And to be honest, I didn't mind the title... I can be, but only if I'm allowed to discipline those hooligans. hehe.

So here are things I have done that are a prime example of my motherhood-ness:

• Fill my Instagram with pictures of my boys. (This is major) 
• Cry... when I have seen an older mother with older boys because that will be me in the future.   
• Touch my heart when I hear a teenager/young-adult talk about struggles.  That may be my child one day.  (Does anyone else do this?)
• The "mom-look"... at anyone who I feel proud of.
• The death stare. 

AND some things I have said to people who are not my children: 

• “Let her smack herself in the face.  That’s the only way she will learn!”  speaking figuratively, of course.
• “Don’t even think about it...” with the pointing finger of course.
• “Please and thank you!”  to someone who obviously forgot their manners at home.
• “When I was younger…”  or “In my time…”  I feel like I do this a lot, and also I might be feeling older than I actually am.
• “Please don’t do that…”  “Please don’t touch that...”   all said with that mom tone.  I can’t control it.
• “You don’t need it, you want it!”  Not that it’s any of my business. I’m aware of that, that’s why it’s followed with… “get it!” Lol.
• “These kids are crazy.”
• "You're too young to date.  Do you have a job? a car?" 
• “Hey!” followed by the death stare.

That's all I can think of right now.  I'm sure there is more.   

"You can be a Den Mother," They said.  I want to be a camper... Therefore, I will not be going to youth camp.  

Sorry. 

What are some things that you say that are motherly?  
Or maybe things your mom says to you? 

Not a small average move II

Let's continue from where we last left off.

(If you have no idea what that means, may I suggest reading THIS post first). 

We arrived at our destination on a Monday.  We were welcomed by the Pastor, Co-Pastor and Ruben's uncle.  They took us home, and we quickly headed out to purchase our essentials.  Ruben gave us a tour of the area and by the time we arrived home and set up our things it was bedtime.  We were so tired everyone fell asleep quickly. The next day we had to run some important errands, so we did that. We headed to New Orleans and spent most of our day there. Since we had arrived, we had been so busy settling in that I didn't really have time to sit down and process all my emotions.  BUT It was Tuesday, and Tuesday is a church day.  So when the time came we got ready and went to church. 

We arrived at the church.  We sat down in the safest place to me.  In the left-est side of the church, which is where I would've sat in Canada.  I would've sat in the front but as a new person I was only there to "observe". (you know how it is).  So there we are sitting awkwardly. Spectating. Like new people do.  Then this man goes up to the altar and says "Let's come to the front for prayer like we always do... etc"  So we obey and go up to the front-ish.  Then the same man says "Let's form prayer circles.. prayer circles..."  I think my facial expression must've indicated I was freaking out because the Co-pastor approached us and said "Guys, please don't feel pressured.  Just relax!".  I laugh at it now, but in that moment I was completely terrified. My thoughts were where do I go? Who am I going to pray with? y'all (introverts) know what I'm talking about.  So there I am standing awkwardly and a tiny bit emotional, but at least I'm not alone. Ruben and the kids are also standing awkwardly with me so I still feel a little safe.  

Suddenly, someone comes and tells Ruben the pastor wants to see him in his office. So he leaves, and I started to get a tad more emotional.  Then someone comes up and says "Today we have the nursery, and the kids have a class", and they take my kids, and I'm left there standing alone. That is when it FINALLY sank in. "I moved. I am far away. My family is not here. This is not my church.  I am no longer in control of anything. I am no longer in the know.  I am alone."  My eyes started to water, and I couldn't hold my tears back.  I was glad it was prayer time because I just sat down and put my head on the chair really hoping people thought I was praying. I really think they did, but in reality, I was really really trying to compose myself, because, well you know, first impressions. So I told my myself "suck it up, Cindy!", and I did.  Eventually, Ruben came back, and I managed to go through the rest of the service without shedding a noticeable tear.  

The following days were challenging, we were still getting stuff and remaining busy. Neither Ruben nor I had started working yet. We were still settling in, and getting things organized.  Trying to get a car, getting Benji in school, getting phones, and all the other millions of things that had to get done for us to feel at home.  We encounter some really tedious obstacles along the way and felt like everything was going wrong. It wasn't, it was all the emotions building up.

Then Friday came, prayer service.  Again with the prayer circles! I went to front this time, feeling a little more confident, and no one came to pray with me.  People, please if you see a new person just standing there awkwardly, go and reach out to them. It'll make all the difference!!  So I stood there holding my baby, as he was my safety net, and I got emotional. I cried, but this time I prayed and asked God to help me get a hold of my emotions. The whole time trying to maintain composure, so as to show that I was praying.. not crying!  And so I managed to get through this service as well.  At one point during the service, Pastor asked a sister in the church to speak about how she had to leave everything when she moved to this church. That geared towards us to encourage, no doubt.  She spoke about how hard it was, and how she thought it was worth it because she loved the church and everyone in it! Indeed, it was encouraging to see the God brings you through it, but it also made me question if I would ever feel part of or ever love this church?

When we got home, everyone went to bed. I just sat on the bed. sad. Ruben asked me what was wrong? and that is when I really got emotional. I expressed how no one came to pray with me, and how prayer circles were dumb (they are not), and how everything was different, and how I missed my family, and my church, and my friends, and my job, and everything was going wrong, and the list went on and on. And I cried and cried and cried. And my husband just heard me out, and simply said "I miss my family too, but I am your family and I am here for you", and he just held me until I had cried it all out.  He's a great guy.  We realized we were trying to do too much in a little bit of time, and that it takes time to settle in. We decided to take one thing at a time, for our own emotional sake. 

The lesson to learn here is that sometimes you just gotta cry! Just let it all out. Cry your little heart out until you feel better. That's all you need to do sometimes.  I definitely felt better afterward and I haven't cried about that since... well except on my bday, and the other day when I talked about my mom.  OK, it's normal to cry when you miss family, but I no longer dwell on that, thanks to God! God brought me through it like he always does. Praise Him!

About two weeks later I had to deal with a different kind of emotion, but that's a story for another post.

Benjinisms

My boy turned 6 years this month.  YES, SIX! like, remember THIS post?  Although it seems like yesterday, it was actually quite a while ago.  I can't even believe I have a six-year-old.

In honor of his 6th birthday, his aunts and I decided that we were going to share some Benjinisms on twitter.  If you are wondering what that is, let me tell ya. Unlike Bushisms, they are not errors in public speaking. Benjinisms are just things that Benji has said that are smart and/or cute.  Yes, I created this because, well, I can. Anyways, He is a pretty smart fella and also is a "mad cutie", as my husband would say.

Let's begin.

"We are a family and we are in love" - He still believes this to be true, and it is my favorite thing ever!

"I will have a duplicate of what he is having," said to a waitress, and she was quite impressed.

"Mom, when I went on your iPad, I did some research on jets, and I found a jet that is named Jason" -  Also, the other day he went on youtube and actually searched "Research on Crocodilians".

This coming from his tia (aunt) Mary: 
Me doing a crossword puzzle "umm, Cindy, what's another word for Intelligent?"
Cindy does not respond.
Benjamin: "Oh Tia, BRILLIANT, or SMART!"
Me: "Thanks, Benji, your mom is no help"

This is straight from his Tia Ruth:
Today is Benjamin's sixth birthday and we are going to share some of his brilliance, as well as his idea that because he loves you, certain questions are dumb:

Benji: "Tia, let's go get pizza."
Me: "Will you share your pizza with me?"
Benji: "Yeah! I love you!"

The last one is from his tia Ray: (he has lots of tias)
Tia: "You are my family"
Benji: "yes, and family is everything"

How did we get so blessed with a smart and loving son!
You can find more #Benjinisms on twitter.  I will be posting.

Also, I will continue speaking about my move in the next post. If you have any questions about my move, ministry or anything, you can leave a comment or message me. I will be doing a Q&A. So, stay tuned for all the good stuff!