In my eyes I'm the worst, but in his eyes I’m the best

In honor of Jason turning 4 last month.

“Do you have a lot to do right now?” is the question I get from Jason every night at bedtime.  He asks me this because he wants me to tuck him in and stay there cuddling until he falls asleep.  Of course, this is very untimely because, as any mother knows, THAT IS the time to get stuff done. Stuff like wash the dishes, fold the laundry, sweep, mop, shower, relax and basically anything that needs no interruption. 

So I’ll say to Jason “I have to fold laundry but as soon as I’m done I will come and check on you. Ok?”, and he’ll responded with a very disappointed “ok” I follow through though. I do check on him afterwards but he is always asleep when I get there. AND when that happens, I feel as though I have let him down – that is the worst feeling.  Mom-guilt.    So then I lay in bed contemplating how I can do better as a mom and give my children all they need from me. I think of what I did wrong, and what I could improve.  There I lay - thinking and thinking… until I finally I fall asleep. So then, I go to sleep with mom guilt.

The funny thing is – in the morning when I wake Jason, he is just so happy to see me.  He sees me as though I have done nothing wrong, and all the mom guilt goes away.  My son just loves me and he is blind to all my failures. In my eyes I'm the worst, but in his eyes I’m the best!   

Isn’t that just the most accurate representation of who Jesus is? Like Lamentations 3:22-23 says “Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” We fail God daily, and yet His mercies are new every morning.

That being said, sometimes I do indulge Jason (and myself) and I’ll just snuggle with him until he falls asleep.  Sometimes I even let him snuggle with me in my bed… especially when he walks through the bedroom door with sleepy eyes. After all- he is my baby. 

Story Time

I love it when the boys play together, and they use their imagination.  The other day I was watching my boys build forts. One of the forts was a store and the other fort was a house that apparently needed to be filled with lots of material things.  It was quite entertaining to watch and I started to reminisce about my childhood.  To be quite honest, I don’t remember much from my childhood.  It all seems like a blur to me, but I do remember a few stories. So in honor of my birthday week, I’ve decided to share a memory with you. It goes as follow: 

When I was about 7 years old, my sister and I decided that we were going to into business together. We decided that we were going to become partners in the book selling business.  I’m not even certain where the idea came from; all I know is that at the time, it was a grand idea!

We had a lot of books.  A whole bin full, actually. Apparently we were quite the readers or at least “picture lookers” at that age.  I believe that these were purchased as “previously loved” books and I’m certain that they were purchased in better condition than they were in.   I mean, the books had run through 4 sets of little girl’s hands.

So we made a plan.  We would pack some books, get on our bikes, and sell them door to door.  I was going to go to one side of our neighborhood and she would go the other side.  So we piled our “best” books and each took a stack. We put them on our bikes and went our separate ways. I placed the books in the basket that was at the front of my bike.  I remember feeling nervous, but determined.  I did not want to disappoint myself and my sister.

After I had rehearsed what I was going to say, I took a deep breath, and got on my bike and rode it down the sidewalk.  We lived in a neighborhood of town houses, so I didn’t want to go too far because I would get in trouble. I rode up to the very last house on our row of townhouses, and parked my bike as close to the front door as I could.  A little hesitation presented itself, quickly followed by a rush of bravery. I walked up to that door and knocked.  I immediately regretted it, but there was no turning back now. 

This lady opened the door, and said “yes?”

I responded with “Hi my name is Cindy, and I live down the street. My sister and I are selling books, would you like to buy one for your kids or something?” I gave her the price.  I don’t remember what the price was but I’m pretty sure it was something like 1 for $5 or 3 for $10.

“What kind of books?” I handed her some books. She looked at them and said “Not right now”, and slammed the door in my face.  (Not really. I’m sure she was nice, but that’s the way it felt at the time)

I went back to my bike, looked at my books, and whispered to myself “it’s ok; the next person will buy one”.   *I must’ve really thought my books were special*

I rang the doorbell on the house next door, and this lady just rejected my offer through the screen door - didn’t even open the door or look at the books.

At this point I started to feel a little discouraged, but I thought I would try one more time. I rode up to the next house, and I rang the doorbell. I waited a bit, but there was no answer.  I climbed back on my bike and as I was riding up to the next house, I decided to keep going straight to my house. I unpacked my books, and decided that I was done with the partnership.  I waited for my sister to return, and she never did.  I found her playing outside with her friends.  She told me she had not sold any books, either.

I felt embarrassed and vowed never to do anything like that ever again.

I did though. In seventh grade I went door to door selling chocolate covered almonds.  That’s a success story that I will tell in another story time.

YEEEAAARRRSSS later I brought this up to my sister, as we were discussing our childhood, ONLY TO FIND OUT she had never even gone out to sell any books. She has just gone out to play with her friends. Go figure. 

Me - Big Sis

Even so, there is a lesson is this real life story.  The lessons: ONE, make sure your partnership is legit; and TWO don’t let life’s past failures define your future. 

K bye.

A Year Later, I'm back!

Last time I posted was OVER year ago! Shame.

To be completely honest, I had decided to shut this blog down, but that is a major life decision that is very hard to make. It has been my digital journal where I have recorded every major event in my life. (Well except the last year of course!) I have found myself going back to read the previous posts and look at the pictures, quite often.  I’m a sap, so I get teary eyed every. Single. TIME.  So I have officially decided that I cannot delete it, and that means it will be here forever!  With that being said, I’m sure you would like to know why I haven’t posted anything in two years.   

Meet our Dog, Chico Bam, and meet Benji's glasses.

The truth is, I don’t really know. I guess I have felt very lost and lonely, and that is not something I want to portray to the general public.  It’s really as simple as that.  Talking about how I feel is not one of my strength.  All I can say is that it has taken me two years to feel at home, and sometimes I still get home sick, especially around holidays.  That’s normal though, right?   

Ruben and I have prayed and analyzed everything that has happened in these last two years, and we truly feel that where we are now is exactly where God wants us to be, and that has given us peace of mind.  We love it here, and it feels like home. 

Just to clarify some things, the very last post I wrote (a year ago) we were living in a different city near Baton Rouge.  We no longer live there because we bought a house (YAY!); it’s about an hour away from where we were living previously.  So basically we have made two large moves in the last two years, hence the emotional trauma. Ha.  As hard as it was to make these very extreme and difficult decisions, God was with us the entire time.  It’s a very lengthy, but wonderful testimony.  God was nudging us in this specific direction, and we are slowly understanding why.  It’s quite wonderful to see God’s plan unfold in your life. There are still many things unknown to us, but we have confidence that He has it under control. (I may go into detail on this in a different post)

Our New House 11/12/18 (Also, my Bday)

I am curious to know if any of you have ever moved somewhere faraway (or somewhere that felt faraway), and if so, how did you cope with the change?  I would love to hear about your experience!

Anyways, I just wanted to check in and say HELLO. I’m ready to start blogging again! Yay!  Also, I need feedback. What  would y’all like to know or read about.  Let me know on any of my socials or email me.  J